Men's Fault. Women's Fault. Our Fault. Can we get it right again?

When I first started seriously considering this topic my goal was to shift some of the blame off of Black men for the less than ideal state of much of our community in this country. However, the more I ruminated on the subject, the clearer it became that laying blame is part of our collective problem. Thus, my aim evolved into one of getting us to understand our respective roles in maintaining the current problems hoping that any who read this might choose to take responsibility for their own part in perpetuating our troubles. Without any doubt, the current state of dysfunctional Black male/female relations is a result of racial exploitation and oppression, but blaming the White man will never resolve these issues. The White man stands to gain nothing by accepting blame for much of our people's present condition, so let us not waste our time with that discussion. I will instead focus on us.

All too often, studies are conducted to aid in understanding why some Black men are failing to live up to their full potential socio-economically in the United States. The findings are always the same: Broken homes lead to behavioral problems, under education, unemployability and/or incarceration. Hence, "professional" Black women find themselves competing for the attention of the remaining "eligible" Black bachelors, who don't exploit the so-called 7:1 female-to-male ratio, date other ethnicities exclusively, are not gay/bi-sexual and who are not otherwise unavailable to these women. We've heard it all before, and while I realize there are statistics that refute these claims, these claims have been accepted as truth by many. Since perception is reality, these claims must be dealt with - at least in the interim - as though they are indeed, factual.

Regardless of race, working-class/professional/middle-class fathers have always been absent from the home to some degree. This is usually because of employment. What has changed over the last sixty to seventy years is that home economics have forced mothers out of the home for significant portions of the day, as well. Children have been robbed of the maternal nurturing earlier generations took for granted. I suggest that this has had a profoundly detrimental affect on vast numbers of people, African-Americans in particular, men and women, alike. Add to that the stigmatization of the stay-at-home-mom by segments of the feminists’ movement, and society was ripe for a new social innovation - the latch key kid. Allowing children to raise themselves is always a bad idea. Compounding the problem is governmental policies intended to discourage poor families from staying together by denying mothers public assistance when fathers are present.

Social norms have changed, too. One of the mantras of modern women is, "I can do bad all by myself." That's a fine attitude when you're all alone but when you have children, it is a problem. One of the most harmful things about single-parenthood is children's lack of exposure to healthy spousal interaction. People learn best by example. The evidence is anecdotal, but every man I know who has dealt with a woman raised in a functional, two-parent household agrees relationships with women from such homes run more smoothly and are more drama-free. In a society where racism in all its forms systematically works at emasculating African-American men, women who not only know how to, but allow a man to BE the man in their relationships are treasured as precious jewels. On the other hand, men raised in functional, two-parent homes are exposed to the dynamics of how loving husbands express their love to wife and family. This is not to say that men and women from single-parent households cannot and do not learn these valuable relationship skills, nor does it suggest that some from two-parent homes never leave their homes ill equipped, but it stands to reason that when you witness and adopt successful strategies and practice them you are more likely to be successful.

Without good examples to follow, children's brains fill in the gaps. Human beings need completion. For instance, when you listen to a recording of a familiar song and the sound of the recording drops out momentarily, you will continue to sing along inserting the missing words or melody yourself. Ever hear someone sing the wrong words to a song? Either they didn't understand the original singer or couldn't hear the complete work so they substitute missing words with ones that work for them. This is a common human coping mechanism. Women raised in households without regularly present fathers or father figures will create an ideal father/spouse type in their minds. As with most ideals, the ideal rarely matches the reality. Men who are compared to these ideals will always fall short, and the women who embrace these ideals start to think of themselves as "settling" when they choose a man who doesn't meet these standards. Few ever consider that their ideal might be unrealistic; most resent the suggestion. Acceptance of this suggestion is acceptance of their own inability to recognize "good" men due to holding an unrealistic definition of "good" manhood. But if you haven't been exposed to the conduct of good men in your formative years, how can you form a sound ideal by which to gauge a man's "goodness?"

How can a man recognize how instrumental his role is in the raising of children, and more importantly, how does he learn HOW to perform his duties without a proper example to emulate? Some manage, but it can't be as easily done without a guideline to follow. In the interest of full disclosure, I am the product of a two-parent household who still failed to learn these lessons when I should have. I was ill equipped to deal with fatherhood and when provided with an out by the mother, I hesitated only a little before leaving. That decision haunts me to this day. In fact, years later I overcompensated by trying to be the perfect father to the son of another long term girlfriend, but at least I learned the lesson. I took great pleasure in helping with homework, chaperoning school trips, attending PTA meetings and nursing wounds - all the things my father did for me.

As I see it, there are three major problems. 1) Too many men have bought into the idea that we aren't needed. There was time when men took responsibility for their seed, even the so-called illegitimate ones. It wasn't unheard of for gramps to have a family across town that knew and love him because he made sure he played his part. 2) Too many women really believe they can be both mother and father to their children. Modern society does everything it can to reinforce this misguided notion. Times have changed. It's gone from, "Girl you need a husband," to "You don't need no man!" 3) Modern society has instilled in us that marriage - ceremonial or common law - is a disposable institution where a little hardship and trivial disagreements are grounds for separation. Vows mean little with respect to personal pleasure and working through disagreements is too much of a sacrifice for the assurance of well adjusted children. Chew on that...