Prepared

Generational Damage

Due to old racists,

I was raised to present many faces

to the world –

each one appropriate

for the times

and places.

Told I was only allowed to be myself

inside of safe spaces

because it might hinder my progress to be honest

about who I am.

Not that they don’t immediately see

in front of their eyes another black man.

No,

the goal was to have me be perceived

as different;

not like the rest

of these angry street gorillas

beating on our chests.

The propagandized King Kongs

with our giant ding dongs

out to ring the bells of their

precious

fair belles…

False narratives culminating in the demise of

Emmett Till.

You see,

they believed putting the average American at ease

was key

to a black male’s survival,

having lived through the times

when we were strung up from trees

and hunted down in the streets

by mobs with rifles!

Images seared

in the collective memory of themselves

and their peers.

Bygone,

but legitimate fears

they thought wise to instill in their children.

With me,

they didn’t understand what they were building –

an often cold

disconnected soul.

Fragments of a man

self-taught at appearing whole.

Even those who’ve known me the longest,

whose love for me is the strongest

have never held all the pieces

to my puzzle.

-HymnAgen

Taste

By Association

Would you entrust to me
the key to your defenses
when that which lies divided inside
its confines aches unmended?
Will I not be faced with
ridicule and scorn
for embodying a form
the same as those
who hurt and broke you?
-HymnAgen

Towards the Light

I choose to walk
towards the light,
so that shadowy figure
and my dark side unite.
They bite at my heels
in the hope I will feel
some cold feet,
lose my will and backslide
in retreat.
-HymnAgen

Least Concern

I am the kind
who desires
her heart
and her mind.
Yet, she'll yield
little more
than the bodily,
and oddly enough,
although I yearn
for her touch,
it's my least concern
when she's
apart from me.
-HymnAgen

Love's Spokesman

I did not want to lust for you...
spontaneously combust when you touch me.
Burn in this desire and be consumed.
You are the flame that sucks all the air
from my room
leaving me gasping for mouth to mouth.
Resuscitate me - should I pass out -
with your magical, fairy tale kisses
until my heart leaps like a frog
becoming a prince once again,
as in the myths of men
who wrote them...
whose words wove tales of undying love.
I aspire to be their spokesman.
-HymnAgen

Father's Day

Each Father's Day
I remember what I lost,
and what it cost.
How much damage
to my soul has since
been wrought.
Yet, I've become
a better man.
I hope he sees
and understands
the things we've
been through
in our lives
was not for naught.
-HymnAgen

It's Just Fear

Sometimes we allow
no one to get near;
call it self-respect
when it's really just fear.
Fear of getting hurt again.
Fear of being played.
Fear of having
our trust betrayed...
-HymnAgen

Heart and Mind

There is constant dialogue
between my heart and mind.
It is never a one-way conversation.
Most times my heart defers to my mind,
but my mind is humble enough
to let my heart lead on occasion.
-HymnAgen

Abandoned

Abandoned
...and suddenly,
there was a chill.
Warmth retreated quickly
in the overcast,
leaving that cold uneasiness
in my pit...
the bitter, familiar flavor
of solitude.
An ignored howl.
An unheard whimper.
An unloved silence. 
-HymnAgen

Be Free

Luv, I can't want you,
because to claim you
is to place limitations on you
and I need you to be free.
Free to choose to be with me
each and every opportunity that arises.
So from the moment
you open your eyelids
you clearly see...
nestled in these arms of mine
is where you'd choose to be
no matter the options...
Because my love for you
is that constant
in a universe rife 
with much uncertainty.
-HymnAgen

Black Narcissism

Talk of narcissism has become the new wave in our community. A word that has only entered public consciousness since 45's election. I don't excuse the poor behavior of black men, but associating us with a word used to describe the most vile public official in recent history feels like a deliberate attempt to further drive a wedge between my brothers and sisters. I smell a rat and see too many of my own people eating the cheese, blindly.
-HymnAgen

Rainy Day

Walk with me 
through midtown.
Talk with me 
in the rain.
Laugh with me
through the
splash of a puddle.
Find respite 
from our hearts' pains,
and let me remind you
of all the reasons 
you luv me.
-HymnAgen

Love Letter

Love Letter

Write me a love letter. 
Use stationary and ink.
Be felicitous with every 
flowing thought
you'd have me drink.
Inebriate me with 
the raw emotions spilled.
Make it as potent 
as the distillate 
from old moonshiner's stills.

Do not restrain.
Allow your pen 
the freedom of your spirit.
Confide in me sincerely 
as the contrite to a cleric. 
Say to me in writing 
words your mouth 
could never form.
Write me with the prescience 
of my life's light being gone...
-HymnAgen

Words & Actions

Thanks to my dear friend for making me think more deeply about this subject.

Words contextualize actions.
Many people are naturally suspicious. We don't understand deeds without explanations. It spawns the question, "What the fuck are you doing?" Words and deeds go hand in hand. They have to support each other or they come across as either bullshit or manipulation. 

When you say actions reveal more about a person than their words, it is because you have certain expectations for actions to meet. Question: What leads to those expectations? In my experience, it is usually their words.
-HymnAgen

Defensive Walls

Is this hopeless? 
I've never been "that guy"
and she knows this.
Yet, her walls have gone back up.
Does she think I haven't noticed?
I know it's not ideal, 
but this relationship's more real
than one where we're just
going through the motions...
-HymnAgen

Not Above Being Loved

Not Above Being Loved

She knows
what I'm capable of
when it comes to love:
The attentive ear.
The assuring hug.
The bottomless well
of supportive thoughts
and behaviors.
I offer them freely
as if she needs me,
but she's not looking for a savior.
She doesn't need one
and never has.
She makes sure I know
although I've never asked.
She wants someone
secure enough
to never spaz
out when she's out
with a friend for a laugh.
She is the embodiment of
a free spirit,
but even she craves
being truly and deeply loved.
-HymnAgen

Missing In Action

Missing In Action.

Can you hear the sobs
behind her "I'm ok?"
See the tears that run
behind her smile?
Feel the stress
within her sweet caress?
My friend, your heart's
been M.I.A. a while...
-HymnAgen

You're Gone

You're Gone

When you're gone
you remain a thought form -
a detail of a meaningful memory
I can call to mind
in your absence
as a chain of firing synapses
in an array as striking
as a fireworks display
inside of my head,
yet more interactive...
-HymnAgen

Bringer of Peace

Bringer of Peace

Although I drown
in brainwaves of cacophonous sound,
your voice cuts through the noise
and it calms me.
Your temperament disarms me.
There will be no casualties of my confusion this day.
No victims of my wild delusions.
I am at peace.

Like a lullaby to an infant is your speech,
so never stop talking.
It is music to my ears.
I fear my savage breast may Hyde
should this melody disappear.
That your silence may be the prelude
to the violence of waking eyes 
not seeing your form where I need you to belong -
right at my side.

You did not ask to anchor me through my life's storms, 
yet here you are
keeping me moored when I'm unsure of myself 
and things as they are.
My rock. My cornerstone.
Foundation walls that form my home.
You're mama's kiss. You're papa's hug.
You are my Peace. 
-HymnAgen

The Culture

The Culture.

I worshipped it from afar.
My radio telescope viewing the stars
being born, burning bright,
illuminating my Fridays and Saturdays.
Through Red Alerts, Magically I saw the Lyte
My reward? Being up on the latest
long before several Tongues became Native
or Boys were Bad and Records got Ruthless
I was seduced with Jurassic era hip-hop music.
-HymnAgen

Closed-Eyed Kisses

Closed-Eyed Kisses 

Luv, I look forward to the days
hairs have lightened many shades,
and experience is whittled on our faces.
When upon a swinging bench 
fingers woven by the clench 
of well worn hands still withstand
all they withstood - 
the bad and good.
When the laughter in our eyes 
displaces tears of yesteryear,
because we learned ourselves 
and then relearned each other -
so we could love as friends 
much deeper than as lovers.
And in the end our progeny 
will have discovered 
closed-eyed kisses 
have no expiration date.
-HymnAgen

Babe

Limbo

Limbo

I know purgatory well.
For I have dwelled

between Heaven and Hell
far too long.

Pretended nothing at all was wrong.

Passionlessly treaded along

between happy and unhappy… 

Stuck in the morass

of my complacence –

like being too at home
living in yo momma's basement 
Yes, I know purgatory very well, indeed.

-HymnAgen

Black Widow

Let Go

(Visual art by @bktheartist)

Let Go.

Lay your head
upon my chest
and rest,
my Luv.
For I am certain...
when you place
your defensive walls
and burdens
atop my heaving sternum,
you'll find peace.
Allow this rhythmic pulse
to lull your soul to sleep.

-HymnAgen

Overcoming

Overcoming

I was trained to swallow my pain 

instead of my pride. 

To hide any hurt I have ever felt inside.

Be nonchalant whenever I have

been denied the things I want,

and have this air of "I don't even care" 

around me.

The pen has helped me deal 

with what I feel and been a valve

to vent the pressures I've concealed

within and soothe my wounds like salve...

But I found a better medicine

the day I chose to let her in

and close the gash that bled within

for nearly 30 years.

I feel better than I've ever been. 

A post traumatic veteran 

relearning it's ok for me to share.

-HymnAgen

Not Like That, Like This

Not Like That, Like This

I don't want you 
to need me like self-love,
or food, clothing and shelter.
Like breath or blood.
I want you to need me like purpose.
Like goals.
Like those energies that feed your soul.
Like quiet times and good music 
that soothes your mind.
I want you to need me 
like favor from the divine.
I want you to need me
like I make life worth living.
-HymnAgen

Healing Feelings

I am caught in my reflection 
on the portals of your eyes
where I dive headfirst and float
weightlessly inside 
the vastness that is 
your loving soul.
I will explore behind the massive doors
that were once closed to me
supposedly to keep new pain
from feeding older injuries
and past traumas,
just to bathe
in the good feeling of your healing.
Praying I might find some of my own.
.
-HymnAgen

Only So Close

She still shuts me out.
It's just a reflex.
Her heart wants to reach out
and spill her secrets into mine, 
but she's not found 
at any time
a single man
who doesn't choose
when he's in pain
to turn and use
her words against her.
It'd be naive for me to think 
I could convince her
otherwise.
Yet, 
to my surprise,
I find 
I try.

-HymnAgen

Changes

Changes

How did this rope
wear down to a thread,
eagerness devolve
to this apathy?
And when did the things
I have since come to dread
stop being the things
I sought happily? 
-HymnAgen 

Sign Language

Sign Language

Let's engage in
conversation -
nonverbal communication.
Romantic glances.
Charming smiles.
Inside jokes
and suspicious grins.
Petting under dinner tables.
Braille reading
of goose bumped skin.
Tell me
how much you want me
without words.
-HymnAgen 

Candlelight

Candlelight 

Candles glow
casting shadows
animalistic
in nature.
Pornographic
wallpaper. 
-HymnAgen

Misty Memories

Misty Memories

Life seems to lumber along
like dissonant notes
in slow songs
of drunken cinematic sailors.
Stumbling their steps
through the dark
everything is a blur,
a fog of memories of her
colliding like worlds in the harsh
vacuum of your heart -
where the thought of her
still brings pain
and only drink numbs
what hearing her name
does to the flood
of emotions your brain
drowns in under these
misty memories.

-HymnAgen

Write About Her

Write about her

What if she were to read
a million words
on the specific subject of
her?
What if she were to read
a thousand lines
that explained the one constant 
on your mind is 
her?
What if she were to read
one hundred stanzas
on all the little ways 
you want to romance
her?
What if she were to read
ten poems
that made her feel the deepest
love you've ever known is
hers?
What if she could read
that one book
of ten poems
of one hundred stanzas,
a thousand lines
and millions of words
that simply say, "I Luv U?"
What if you were
to write about her?
-HymnAgen

The Lost Ones

The Lost Ones

There is a place

between Heaven and Hell

where some human hearts dwell,

where neither anger nor joy is felt.

There is no passion.

There is no neglect or interaction.

You don’t know where you stand

because you’re always on shifting sand.

You’re neither sure footed nor collapsing

under the weight of your own thoughts.

You’re just trapped.

Seemingly caught

in a net of your own making.

You just want to feel –

to know the hopes

your parents sold you are real

and attainable, and not just fables

and fairy tales.

You don’t know hatred or love.

You just know numbness

as if you’d been drugged

with a powerful anesthesia.

You are the walking dead

lost inside your own empty heart and head

wondering why you ever said,

“I do.”

-HymnAgen

Sometimes

Sometimes,
I don't want to be strong.
Sometimes,
I rather rest than press on.
Sometimes,
I need to get in my feelings.
Sometimes,
I recognize I need healing.
Sometimes, I feel I couldn't

decompress  with my head
against your bosom,
because false male expectations
say I shouldn't
let your loving caress of my crown
open my floodgates of release,
but I'd drown
in the depths of my grief
if I didn't have you
to hold me down,
sometimes.

-HymnAgen

Make Up Sex

(Visual art by @bktheartist)

Make Up Sex

She enjoys the drama -
insecurities demanding
reassurance he still wants her.
In its wake he lies awake -
heart and mind in a debate:
What about this doesn't scream,
"I just sold out?" 

-HymnAgen

Caresses

Caresses

Amazing how just a touch
can say so much.

The cupping of a nape.

The brushing of a brow. 

The sweeping of a cheek.

A tongueless kiss 

at the corner of the lips.

Let me show you

and you will know

without hearing the words. 

-HymnAgen