Love Isn't Enough

Prepared

Generational Damage

Due to old racists,

I was raised to present many faces

to the world –

each one appropriate

for the times

and places.

Told I was only allowed to be myself

inside of safe spaces

because it might hinder my progress to be honest

about who I am.

Not that they don’t immediately see

in front of their eyes another black man.

No,

the goal was to have me be perceived

as different;

not like the rest

of these angry street gorillas

beating on our chests.

The propagandized King Kongs

with our giant ding dongs

out to ring the bells of their

precious

fair belles…

False narratives culminating in the demise of

Emmett Till.

You see,

they believed putting the average American at ease

was key

to a black male’s survival,

having lived through the times

when we were strung up from trees

and hunted down in the streets

by mobs with rifles!

Images seared

in the collective memory of themselves

and their peers.

Bygone,

but legitimate fears

they thought wise to instill in their children.

With me,

they didn’t understand what they were building –

an often cold

disconnected soul.

Fragments of a man

self-taught at appearing whole.

Even those who’ve known me the longest,

whose love for me is the strongest

have never held all the pieces

to my puzzle.

-HymnAgen

It's Just Fear

Sometimes we allow
no one to get near;
call it self-respect
when it's really just fear.
Fear of getting hurt again.
Fear of being played.
Fear of having
our trust betrayed...
-HymnAgen

Missing In Action

Missing In Action.

Can you hear the sobs
behind her "I'm ok?"
See the tears that run
behind her smile?
Feel the stress
within her sweet caress?
My friend, your heart's
been M.I.A. a while...
-HymnAgen

Bringer of Peace

Bringer of Peace

Although I drown
in brainwaves of cacophonous sound,
your voice cuts through the noise
and it calms me.
Your temperament disarms me.
There will be no casualties of my confusion this day.
No victims of my wild delusions.
I am at peace.

Like a lullaby to an infant is your speech,
so never stop talking.
It is music to my ears.
I fear my savage breast may Hyde
should this melody disappear.
That your silence may be the prelude
to the violence of waking eyes 
not seeing your form where I need you to belong -
right at my side.

You did not ask to anchor me through my life's storms, 
yet here you are
keeping me moored when I'm unsure of myself 
and things as they are.
My rock. My cornerstone.
Foundation walls that form my home.
You're mama's kiss. You're papa's hug.
You are my Peace. 
-HymnAgen

Limbo

Limbo

I know purgatory well.
For I have dwelled

between Heaven and Hell
far too long.

Pretended nothing at all was wrong.

Passionlessly treaded along

between happy and unhappy… 

Stuck in the morass

of my complacence –

like being too at home
living in yo momma's basement 
Yes, I know purgatory very well, indeed.

-HymnAgen

Black Widow

Overcoming

Overcoming

I was trained to swallow my pain 

instead of my pride. 

To hide any hurt I have ever felt inside.

Be nonchalant whenever I have

been denied the things I want,

and have this air of "I don't even care" 

around me.

The pen has helped me deal 

with what I feel and been a valve

to vent the pressures I've concealed

within and soothe my wounds like salve...

But I found a better medicine

the day I chose to let her in

and close the gash that bled within

for nearly 30 years.

I feel better than I've ever been. 

A post traumatic veteran 

relearning it's ok for me to share.

-HymnAgen

Not Like That, Like This

Not Like That, Like This

I don't want you 
to need me like self-love,
or food, clothing and shelter.
Like breath or blood.
I want you to need me like purpose.
Like goals.
Like those energies that feed your soul.
Like quiet times and good music 
that soothes your mind.
I want you to need me 
like favor from the divine.
I want you to need me
like I make life worth living.
-HymnAgen

Only So Close

She still shuts me out.
It's just a reflex.
Her heart wants to reach out
and spill her secrets into mine, 
but she's not found 
at any time
a single man
who doesn't choose
when he's in pain
to turn and use
her words against her.
It'd be naive for me to think 
I could convince her
otherwise.
Yet, 
to my surprise,
I find 
I try.

-HymnAgen

Changes

Changes

How did this rope
wear down to a thread,
eagerness devolve
to this apathy?
And when did the things
I have since come to dread
stop being the things
I sought happily? 
-HymnAgen 

Misty Memories

Misty Memories

Life seems to lumber along
like dissonant notes
in slow songs
of drunken cinematic sailors.
Stumbling their steps
through the dark
everything is a blur,
a fog of memories of her
colliding like worlds in the harsh
vacuum of your heart -
where the thought of her
still brings pain
and only drink numbs
what hearing her name
does to the flood
of emotions your brain
drowns in under these
misty memories.

-HymnAgen

The Lost Ones

The Lost Ones

There is a place

between Heaven and Hell

where some human hearts dwell,

where neither anger nor joy is felt.

There is no passion.

There is no neglect or interaction.

You don’t know where you stand

because you’re always on shifting sand.

You’re neither sure footed nor collapsing

under the weight of your own thoughts.

You’re just trapped.

Seemingly caught

in a net of your own making.

You just want to feel –

to know the hopes

your parents sold you are real

and attainable, and not just fables

and fairy tales.

You don’t know hatred or love.

You just know numbness

as if you’d been drugged

with a powerful anesthesia.

You are the walking dead

lost inside your own empty heart and head

wondering why you ever said,

“I do.”

-HymnAgen

Sometimes

Sometimes,
I don't want to be strong.
Sometimes,
I rather rest than press on.
Sometimes,
I need to get in my feelings.
Sometimes,
I recognize I need healing.
Sometimes, I feel I couldn't

decompress  with my head
against your bosom,
because false male expectations
say I shouldn't
let your loving caress of my crown
open my floodgates of release,
but I'd drown
in the depths of my grief
if I didn't have you
to hold me down,
sometimes.

-HymnAgen

Make Up Sex

(Visual art by @bktheartist)

Make Up Sex

She enjoys the drama -
insecurities demanding
reassurance he still wants her.
In its wake he lies awake -
heart and mind in a debate:
What about this doesn't scream,
"I just sold out?" 

-HymnAgen

Spinal Discord

Spinal Discord

It was a process 
that took time
for the heart to reveal to the mind
they were no longer in accord -
that they no longer shared 
the rewards of commitment. 
The heart had long since withdrawn,
and the mind had grown indifferent. 
The only tether keeping them together 
was the spine.
For they'd convinced themselves 
over time 
there was honor in its uprightness. 
Yet, the sparkle has dimmed in the iris,
the heart continually aches 
and the mind compartmentalizes. 
And the honor of the spine 
can never ever stand 
in place of joy.
-HymnAgen

I Want All

I Want All

I do not want 

your love

without your pain, 

your hug 

without your shame,

your kiss 
without your anguish. 

Place your torments

in my hands

that I may vanquish

from your soul

the loss of your control

over your heart, 

that you might

once again 

feel free enough to start

embracing all the love

you used to run from...

-HymnAgen

Gasping For Heir

Gasping For Heir

I wish my father
had lived to see
the man I have
grown to be.
That I might have
allayed any doubts
on how I'd turn out
before he accepted
the grave.
For if his spirit
can see this plane
he'd bear no shame
from me
save my one
disappointment:
That I didn't
water my seed
with the teachings
imparted to me
through his example.
And though we
have since
made amends
and he has
forgiven my sin,
we shall never be
as life intended.
For this I accept
my life sentence
of never being
called "Pops"
by the fruit
having roots
in mine's tree,
the way mine was
accustomed to
from me...
-HymnAgen

Premonitions