A Hero's Remembrance

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The Lesson I Wish My Father Taught Me

*****Please check out Phenomenal Paris' "No F*ckin Just Lovin" Her perspective really gives context to this piece.*****

I mistreated her like she was a ho;

she deserved much better like she wanted,

but she just didn’t know how to secure it.

And me being man-whorish then,

I took advantage of her thinking:

Being willing to bend is how to get it.

So I mistreated her like a ho.

She thought I’d be a good man.

I asked her, “How could you know?

We might’ve spent ten hours total

since the day that we met,

and half of that was spent engaging in sex?”

She said, “You’re smart. You look good,

and you know how to fuck,” matter-of-factly

like that was enough to judge a brotha,

start a future with brotha,

make a brotha her man,

and that’s some shit I just could not understand.

So I took stock of myself and didn’t like what I found.

I reconsidered all this fucking around that I’d been doing;

not considering how screwing and some quality time

has the potential to mess with their minds.

 

So I thought I’d found the answer –

we should be up front.

From the jump, I’ll let’ em know what I want

and that way they have the option

of going along to get along,

but that answer proved wrong.

I didn’t treat this other one like a ho.

I treated her like a friend with benefits.

Said I didn’t intend to be anymore than that in the end.

She agreed then flipped and tried to make me her man.

Now just because I hit it raw

(she) thought that I wanted more.

I had to sit her down to settle the score,

and she explained how feeling skin instead of rubber

meant I loved her in her mind

in light of all the quality time we had together.

So if I seeded her, it was whatever.

Must’ve meant I wanted her forever.

Those ties I had to sever;

put two and two together and learn

that their emotions are always concerned.

This pattern got repeated far too many times.

Forget her words – it’s her heart not her mind running things

when her feelings start to get involved,

and any rules y’all agreed to will just dissolve.

Now there is always an exception to every rule,

but by and large a woman wants a man

and you’re a fool if you think having sex and hanging out all the time

doesn’t make you a mate candidate in her mind.

I was blind.

I couldn’t see that truth.

Young, dumb and full of cum

like every other black male youth I grew up with.

There’s more than you bargained for.

If they give even a little, believe they want more.

They wanna to be loved.

-HymnAgen

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Choices

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Love and Lust

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The First Law Of Thermodynamics

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The Love That Never Was

Did you mute the RJM Lounge Player first?

Until this day, I can’t forget her.

I’ve replayed the day I met her

countless times over the years.

And still, whenever I hear

Keith Sweat sing, “I Want Her,”

I see her face in my mind’s eye.

That was our song,

but I was not her guy.

I was hooked by her girl next door looks,

her modest style,

her Cleopatra eye make-up,

but her infectious smile at me

when I said, “You have the prettiest eyes,”

tied a brotha up in knots inside.

Damn butterflies –

I had birds inside my belly.

Turned a brotha into jelly

with her “thank you.”

Sometime later, wasn’t shit that you could tell me

‘cause she hit me with the same compliment

and I was done,

but somehow I could not make myself the “one.”

After work she’d wait on me to take her home.

Throughout the summer, spent mad hours on the phone.

Religiously on Saturdays we made our calls

until she went away to college in the fall.

It was over before it started,

and my countenance fell.

My lack of access to her

became my living hell.

Eventually I got a grip

and I moved on.

Played my games with silly chicks

who did me wrong.

Did my dirt too and had my fun,

even fell in love with one

‘til finally all thoughts of Girl-next-door were gone.

But then I’m walking through my campus

unaware that she had transferred that semester.

When I saw her, called her name out and she answered,

and hearing her voice again was confirmation that God is real.

Did all I could to stay cool,

but I just could not conceal how glad I was to see this girl again.

Wondering if this was now my second chance.

So finally, I ask her out 4th of July.

Promised views of fireworks from 74 floors high

over Manhattan. It would have to be an awesome sight to see;

and she had options — many of them — yet she chose to come with me.

But I didn’t appreciate it. 

My Plans fell through; I got frustrated.

Self-destructed in front of her, and transformed into an ass.

I made the evening a disaster. Even worse, in its aftermath

I told her things I should not have said;

mean-spirited shit to burn that bridge,

and severed ties to her as if she lacked the capacity to forgive

a brotha for poor planning.

That revelation was damning,

‘cause it suggested she had a deficit in compassion and understanding.

And what did that assumption on my part say about me

when clearly she had options, but chose to spend her time with me?

Now years have passed. We’ve lived our lives.

I think she’s married .I have a bride

who I love with every fiber of my being.

Yet and still, I can’t forget her.

I still replay the day I met her,

although I have my doubts she ever does.

Still she appears in my mind’s eye

infectious smile, Cleopatra’s eyes

is how I’ll always remember the love that never was.

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You Can't Change A Man: Logged In: hymnagen- PoetryVibe.com

You Can't Change A Man: Logged In: hymnagen- PoetryVibe.com

You Say You Love Me As I Am (inspired by "You Can't Change a Man" by the Poetess tretre on PoetryVibe)

You say you love me as I am,

but there’s no possible way you can

while still clinging to the hope

my love for you somehow evokes

a need in me to modify my behavior.

When you love me as I am,

you accept and understand

that I cannot change a thing that’s in my nature.

My compulsions and my vices

are completely different things;

I may give up cigarettes

but take up gambling and drink.

So if you love me, just accept me.

How I am is what you’ll get.

If the two of us connect,

and share a mutual respect

I will gladly swap my vices

for some others you can bear –

ideally, even share.

But baby doll, let me be clear;

the components of my character

are the things that make me “me.”

They’re the things that you adore –

my endearing qualities.

You like when I get a jealous

of your attention from other fellas,

feel secure when I’m protective,

but baby that’s ‘cause I’m possessive.

However, you don’t like me saying that you’re mine.

Hold up.

Blow the whistle.

Let’s call time.

There’s a flag on the play.

No one these days can have it both ways.

So if you love me, girl just love me –

fine and fit ‘til I’m old and fat.

When your nipples reach your belly

and the rolls by your bra strap

start to appear, I’ll still be here.

That is what acceptance does.

I’ll accept you as you are then

because you took me as I was.

-HymnAgen

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Some Reasons (Why I Write...)

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To the Memory of Those Lost